As I turned 40 this week, I paused to reflect on the 10 most important lessons I learned in my 30s. It was a great opportunity to reconnect with my mentors too — thank you all for your feedback and guidance over the years. And the biggest thanks to my wife and best partner, Masayo Nobe, for an unforgettable party, and life 💗
10 Lessons I Learned in my 30s:
1. Permanence on Impermanence: All of our grievances come from our expectation of permanence in a world of impermanence. (We expect health, money, relationships, love to last — and are disappointed when they don’t.)
2. Uncertainty is better than unhappiness: Tim Ferriss had this life-changing revelation — that too often we mistakenly choose unhappiness over uncertainty. (We choose to stay in a job we don’t like, because we’re afraid of the uncertainty of looking for a new job.)
3. It is not a time problem; it is a priority problem: Even if each day was 30 hours long, we’d still be short for time – this is inherent in the nature of being a finite human in an infinite world. Don’t blame time; fix your priorities.
4. Design good days: Intentionally, actively, design good days. “Small emotions are the great captains of our lives,” van Gogh said.
5. Fix relationships, not problems: Dr. Sue Johnson realized that if our underlying relationships are strong, we can overcome every problem. When you have a problem with someone, work on the underlying relationship, not the problem.
6. Success is an outcome, not a goal: Success (and you can substitute money, promotion, happiness, etc.) is an outcome, not a goal. Focus on things that produce that outcome, rather than success / money / happiness itself.
7. Our passions are not in our control, but they’re not random either: Take the time to know yourself, and then cultivate the things that you like about yourself.
8. Problems won’t leave us until they have taught us everything we need to learn from them: If you were already capable in an area, you won’t have a problem in it to begin with. Problems are GIFTS: They’re signs leading us to where we should seek growth.
9. It’s about COMMUNITY: Wherever you are, join a community, create a community, promote community. Dave Chappelle’s dad told him, “You don’t have to change the world; you just have to make a corner of it more beautiful.”
10. It’s YOUR company, YOUR community, YOUR school, YOUR neighborhood: Stop searching for the magical “they” (“they need to fix the problem;” “they need to change the curriculum”). There’s no “they.” There’s only us.
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